New Bob Dylan Coming Out Everybody!

I was bored, so I decided to do some crappy Photoshop album covers for the apocalypse. This one's coming out in 2012.



Not bad considering this one is a real album cover from 1980 or so.

Come on...

...whaddya say? Let's just take off. You and me, just like we used to talk about. We could finally find that cozy little B&B somewhere on the coast of Maine, something with a lighthouse overlooking the ocean. You know, on the coast. Way up above a bunch of waves crashing around on the rocks and barnacles with seagulls flying around. A place where you and I could just get away from it all, and finally find the time to do all the things we've both been itching to do all these years, but never could get around to actually doing, you know? Like "Shovington Fur!?" Shit, remember "Shovington Fur?" My novella I've been meaning to crank out forever about the solar-powered men's club restaurant kiosk. Remember? Whatever. You could do stuff, too. You could grow out your nails. Hang out with fishermen and collect shells. Make coffee in the afternoons. Maybe we could knit some wool dogs to keep us company. Keep a tank full of giant lobsters next to our bed. Play some kind of game in the lighthouse on the weekends. I don't really know what kind of game it could be, just the two of us and all, but it doesn't matter, does it? It'd just be a stupid little game. It doesn't have to be anything big like a theater production. It could just be something fun where I hide in the lighthouse somewhere, maybe on the steps, and you could sneak around like a cranky old police officer. Or, fuck it, you could hide and I could run up and down the stairs in my underwear. Jesus, I don't know. We could just goof around and have fun and just laugh. Huh? How's that sound? Just the two of us, living out our fantasies. It's not so crazy, is it? I'm not crazy, am I?

My Halloween Costume

Pretty cool, huh? I just ordered it from this cool Chinese website. That's me in my new full-body middle-aged Midwestern woman outfit that comes complete an airbrushed Sarah Palin t-shirt. It's got microscopic holes in the double chin where I can receive my nutrients and a roomy compartment in the ass for a self-contained cooling system. It can also sharpen pencils with the pussy.

Which One's The Real PIcture Of Backwoods Bigotry?

It's hard to tell in these heady times. I haven't posted for a while, and it's because I can't tear myself away from watching every gloriously insane second of this year's presidential race.

But who gives a crap about me? There's a mystery to solve here. Can you help me figure out which of these homemade billboards is really sitting on the side of the road in West Plains, Missouri? Can you?





Thanks to Ideas By Chuck!

Evangelical Toddler Just As Disturbing As Adult Evangelicals!

Holy holy Jesus Christ. What the fuck have we done to ourselves? You died for our sins (supposedly), and we--the deeply flawed human race--in turn, have created an utterly horrific mockery of it all. Apparently, it's not enough for some of us to pack together in large, crowded buildings and subject ourselves to the lunatic rantings of some self-adorned idiot interpreter of your gospels. No, now that duty has fallen onto the shoulders of those self-adorned idiots' children. And the result is positively satanic. I defy any of you to watch this and not want to punt this sermon-sponge into St. Peter's merely for his own sake. For humanity's sake. I defy you!!

I Found This...

...here in Atlanta. It was just sitting on the side of the road in Edgewood along with a bunch of trash. I couldn't believe it, either. A perfectly good and legally binding "contrack" for a "mind blowing orgasm" on 3/4 of a crumpled paper plate--just tossed aside like so much garbage. Waste not, want not, indeed. 

No Reality TV For Me (Or Christin)

That's because we were...

(booming echo sound fades out)

Yes, if you haven't heard, apparently neither I nor my girlfriend are good enough, smart enough or badass enough to make it as contestants on a reality TV show that's coming out this fall. It's called ESTATE OF PANIC and it's being produced for the Sci-Fi network by the same guys who did Fear Factor and Wipe Out. And just by writing that, I've probably opened myself up to a million dollar lawsuit for breaking the non-disclosure agreements we signed.

But I don't give a Nielsen rating shit break. Because I want the truth out there. And that is, they...um...didn't pick us. That's it, really. Long story short: we were loafing around in Los Angeles when our friend Becky forwarded us the info about the open casting call. We sent an email or two, and before we knew, we were driving to downtown Burbank to go interview with the casting people. Both Christin and I took our turn in front of a camera and a couple of interviewers, filled out some paperwork and that was it. They saaaaaaid "they'd call us!!!" They saaaaaaaid "they loved us!!!" They saaaaaaaaaid "You can leave now." But apparently, that's all Hollywood-ese for "please, go fuck yourself and disappear back into a strip mall somewhere far, far away." 

I know what you're thinking: "Ben, why on earth would you want to be on a reality show?" And believe you me, we axed ourselves the same question. But the answer is clear in this case: a free trip to Argentina. That's where they're filming this thang. And apparently, they wanted contestants who very competitive and very much afraid of insects. From what we could glean, they were going to stick people in some spooky "estate" and subject them to a bunch of spooky stuff, namely bugs. And if you couldn't already tell, they really are big on the bug thing. Huge. They wanted people who would shit their pants at the sight of a cockroach. Being the type of person who's completely unable to bullshit in this kind of situation, I told them that my biggest fear was not insects, but was actually guns. Idiots with guns, to be precise. And that's true. 

In fact, I kind of love insects. We took care of one this summer. Actually, his name is Bug. And I made a pretty picture of him. The folks at Sci-Fi will just have to get by with this...