Capitalism Has Killed Monopoly

Get ready for a blistering Marxist screed here. Because today, I am royally ticked off at this "system" that I'm currently unemployed in. Why? Because it just can't leave well enough alone. Everything always has to be "improved" upon, made "better" and "easier to use." And now it seems capitalism has committed the ultimate infanticide.

Case in point: the venerated starter kit of capitalism itself, Monopoly. I, like every other spoiled white child in this affluent country of ours, grew up playing Parker Brother's how-to-become-a-money-hoarding-asshole board game. And I loved it. I was never very good at it (which probably explains why I'm still so financially clueless), but I always reveled in at least trying to force my little friends into bankruptcy, default mortgages and debt. If that doesn't sound like an idyllic American childhood, give me a hammer and scythe and put me to work in the Gulag or whatever.

But now we're all grown up these days here in the "digital age" and we don't carry cash and we all come to expect wealth in the multi-millions. And so, Parker Brother's has obliged by giving us just that: the electronic banking version of Monopoly! And guess what?? It sucks souls!!



An electronic banking version of Monopoly?! What the fuck? Do we really need this? Was handling all that filthy paper money really that bad? Do we really need to be arming children with phony credit cards?! Apparently so. And in turn, Parker Brothers has succeeded in draining every ounce of fun out of their once-perfect game.

I know they've put out bunches of specialized versions of Monopoly over the years, but this one has gone too far. Like I said, instead of cash, players get credit cards. So, instead of just counting your money when you need to check your balance, you have to give your piece of plastic to the banker and have him insert it into this chintzy double-A battery powered "banking" machine. Want to buy property? Same deal. Pay rent? Same. God forbid, a human calculates the phony transaction. No, that would just be too...well...20th century. Now, even our play-money has to be handled in the same cold and corporate fashion that our real-life finances are.

And then there's the actual properties themselves: instead of ye olde avenues from Atlantic City's yesteryears, now we have a bunch of dubious American landmarks and destination spots up for grabs. Because we've all wanted to purchase Atlanta's Centennial Olympic Park at some time or another, haven't we? And I didn't know that Phoenix's Camelback Mountain was up for sale these days, but I think I'll snag it for a cool 3 million and put a Pizza Hut on top of it! The game pieces are no less depressing. Gone are the old shoes, thimbles and dirty socks or whatever that use to make the original Monopoly such a charming relic from the Depression era. Now, players can choose to be a lear jet, a Segway (a fucking Segway!!) or a tin of Altoids. Yes, in what has to be the most awkward product placement ever, the curiously strong breath mint makers apparently payed a mint to have their product immortalized in this stupid game. Worse, it looks like a laptop. Which would have been more apropos, me thinks.

Adding insult to injury, the electronic banking version of Monopoly costs exactly 3 times the amount the original game does. Thankfully, I didn't buy it. Christin's brother did. And we tried playing it. For exactly 3 rounds. And now it's sitting in the back of his car, waiting to be returned.